This article contains spoilers for Squid Game.

　

Stung by accusations that COVID travel restrictions were uncoordinated, poorly thought through and haphazardly implemented, Japanese government officials have taken the unusual step of providing a commentary on the workings of the underlying policy, known formally as korona sakoku in Japanese and informally as Spit Game in English. In what is proving to be a popular precedent, Kasumigaseki bureaucrats drew heavily from a hit Netflix show in forming this policy. Each day 456 travellers are invited to play a series of games that culminates in a single winner entering Japan.

　

Commentary on the Spit Game run that commenced on December 2nd, 2021

Game One. Red Country, Green Country
The Front Man performed his daily ouija board reading under the guidance of an ‘epidemiological seer’. Four European countries were subsequently moved from the Green List to the Red List. This surprise move caught many players off guard and resulted in a large uptick in the category of eliminated before travelling.

Remaining players: 82 Japanese, 57 non-Japanese

Game Two. Correct Shape
On this particular day, airlines were instructed to find the exact term Nasopharyngeal swab on the PCR test result of any player wishing to board a plane with a final destination of Japan. Non-capitalisation of the N required an additional 10 minutes of close scrutiny of all of a player’s documents but was not in itself grounds for being ejected from the game.

Remaining players: 82 Japanese, 40 non-Japanese

Game Three. Tug of Bore
The arbitrary wait time at Narita was set to nine hours, somewhat lower than the 7-day moving average. As per standard protocol, players were required to sit on folding chairs while a team of actors, selected for their ability to appear busy, moved amongst them but gave no instructions whatsoever. Sixty two Japanese players entered toilets and never returned; sixteen non-Japanese players self-deported.

Remaining players: 20 Japanese, 24 non-Japanese

Game Four. Paper Shuffle
The setting for Game Four was between gates 14 and 26 of Narita Terminal 2. Players travelling together formed pairs with others being randomly assigned a partner. Each player was issued with ten poorly photocopied forms and attestations. The number of times each player was asked to provide the same form to hazmat clad staff was increased to sixteen from twelve to test the game mechanics for Paper Shuffle. As per game rules, the first player of a pair to drop a sheet, hesitate too long or be found using an unapproved colour of clear file holder was eliminated.

Remaining players: 8 Japanese, 14 non-Japanese

Game Five. Immigration Tiles
The Ministry of Foreign Affairs have instructed immigration officers to maintain a strict policy of No Paper, No Go. Under this policy, PDF documents on mobile devices are not recognised as valid. In this run, all Japanese nationals carried multiple paper copies of their PCR certificates and so passed through immigration smoothly. Only one non-Japanese player had the requisite documentation in paper form and was allowed to pass. All other non-Japanese players were required to sit within sight of a network connected, top of the line multi-function printer for 45 minutes before being eliminated anyway.

Six Japanese players absconded after clearing customs but before entering the game bus that takes players to the quarantine hotel.

Remaining players: 2 Japanese (player numbers 218, 456), 1 non-Japanese (player number 067)

Meal Interlude
The three remaining players spent six days at His Emperor’s Pleasure in a quarantine hotel in Yokohama. Each was provided with three cold bento box meals a day. On the sixth day, 067 was found motionless in her room repeating the phrase “I got more f***ing calories from a supermodel’s diet”. Player 067 was unable to leave the room and was adjudicated to have retired from play.

Game Six. Spit Game
Spit Game requires contestants to hop on one leg around around the lobby of the quarantine hotel while spitting exactly the right amount of spittle into a plastic test tube. Players are encouraged to jostle each other to cause spills and to contaminate each other’s test tubes. The first player to receive back a negative PCR test from a submitted sample wins the game.

Player 218, being wracked by guilt for having squandered a Tokyo University education, declined to spit. Player 456 felt no such qualms about having cheated on Game Four, received a negative PCR test result and won Game Six and the entire Spit Game series.

456 was allowed entry to Japan and is living happily in Saitama. He has vowed to never travel abroad again.